Satire and Humor

The Games I play

/ Norman Eric Peterson / Leave a comment

My family loves to play games, especially with guests after dinner. Sometimes with old TV dinner trays in the living room. The ones made out of wood that seem wobbly and will spill your dessert on your lap. Almost antiques inherited of course, from childhood, watching Lunch with Casey or Captain Kangaroo while munching on mac and cheese.

My family, especially me, hesitates when the announcement from my wife comes: “Hey, let’s play a game!” Somehow it takes place and I really get into it, but reluctantly at first. Why do I hesitate? I know why, because I play games all day and it would be good to stop for a while.

What games do I play? First one today, try to undo the new toilet paper roll without it looking like the cat shredded it for fun. Next, see if I can get my pants on while standing up without any wobble. Make the bed while counting how many times I have to go to the other side.

My record is twice when the cat does not complicate the game.

Driving to my morning rendezvous with my son and counting how quickly I can dim my head lights just before a car comes before me. If I get them before they do, I win. Best strategy is to see them coming before around a curve ahead. I think it’s courtesy foremost but it is actually my game as I declare; “I win” if I do it first.

It’s fun for me and it distracts me from the tedium and sameness of some of life’s tasks. I realize as I am writing this how much I do this. Counting things is foremost, like chess only my ‘opponent’ is random and usually myself. How many times can I throw the Frisbee perfectly flat and fast for our dog to leap and make a perfect catch? She even plays the game and takes a long run after a spectacular leap and snatch. I call it a victory lap.

The best game is when I swim very early and try to guess how long I will have to wait to get ‘my’ lane (wall lane) and the best part of the game is to see how long it takes me to pray for the other swimmers as they are also up early and playing the game of timing from the big clock at the other end of the pool.

I win the game if I pray for them, the swimmers, the drivers very close behind me in the dark, even the oncoming cars with a headlight out. Then the game becomes a delight and no longer a game of counting but an attitude of gratitude for the opportunity to once again, talk with our Lord and thank Him for His help in giving me delight in people around me. He likes that and I wonder at His smile and laugh when the supposed game turns out to be true life. It’s pretty good.

Jack Gator. Norm’s Scribe

Old and Useless

/ Norman Eric Peterson / Leave a comment

Not very long ago I was meeting some new people and was introduced to their family. I looked upon one of their children and he said to me “ You’re Old” I agreed and was nonplussed at the child’s observations and his immediate truth telling. Yes, I agreed, I am at least 8 times older than you. I felt a little sting. Aren’t we supposed to say afterwards: Wow you look great! I never would have guessed that you are that old.

I’ve said to several people and meant it too. I’m doing pretty good as my scribe puts it. Very active physically but there are deterioration’s that come with age. The saying is with age comes wisdom! Sometimes.

I can get a bit cranky without any knowledge of the segue to judgment. Usually these days when I am driving and get passed by a roaring vehicle on the double yellow only to have to slow down a half mile ahead as they turn left. Thinking quickly that I am commanded not to call anyone a fool, I use a Russian word and of course, the Lord does not speak Russian.

I indeed am old and gnarly but I have a nice smile. Shoppers at the big box smile back when they see me. Why am I not as blocked or mission focused as others are? They roar by me too, only to turn one aisle ahead and stop with another cart parked in front of them. I just shake my head briefly and cruise by as I look upon the crowded aisle of indigestible instant meals in boxes. I like Ramen but it’s not in that aisle. Betty Crocker meets the Roadrunner on aisle 5.

A piece of wisdom comes to mind from a Chinese story from approximately 2400 years ago. Looking upon a very old and twisted tree and relaxing in its shade were a young man and an older one. The older man said the reason the tree was there for them was it was useless for lumber and so left to grow old and large and give us comfort from the sun. Useful indeed.

The stumps around it testified to many chairs and tables There were no benches there. It indeed had grown well and it was very old. I like that story as gnarly as I am, I indeed am not useless either. You are now reading the wisdom I have read from before Christ our Savior. He does not consider me useless and neither does he consider you useless either. The vehicles that pass me on the highway are just eager people on the highway of Holiness. Perhaps they are eager to meet our Creator and lover. I must embrace that wisdom and I will smile and bless them. I’m getting better! It’s pretty good. Jack Gator Scribe.

Many thanks to Chuang Tzu amd Henri Nouwen.

Working Together is an Old Family Tradition

/ Norman Eric Peterson / Leave a comment

Photo of a Father and Son teaching at Wood Lake Bible Camp, five miles north of us. [Bjorn and myself}

And they work together. Father and Son, as it has always been throughout time. Agrarian towns scattered over the countryside. Dad on the old A and his son right behind him on the big levers and adjusters for the plow or side mower.

Teamwork with the ages that is still among us. Young Harley, Davids son manufacturing motorcycles and many such business throughout the world. There are good odds that you are one of those Father and Son enterprises.

There is a business that my Son and I work at now. He has the training to be a full time director of media production and I am in training to be his assistant. It’s fast paced and like many jobs I have had, it’s a dance. Whether you are assembling something together, playing ensemble or flying, it’s satisfying and joyful to be working together. It’s perhaps akin to a ballet.

There is a Father and Son who work together that is a perfect example for all of us. They confer together and in every instance of their work, there is always consensus. The Son listens to the wisdom of his father and the work they do is nothing short of a miracle. They also have a third person of the family that is a communicator between them and us. You can use His name too if you like.

You know them, you talk a lot to them and sometimes we get confused as which one we are talking to. Thanks OK, they don’t mind. They have many names and all of them work pretty well. The names most often used are in our instruction manuals we keep near us. I loose the ones for appliances and such but I always have a manual for those three. Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Have a nice talk with them and be sure to pay close attention to the wisdom and guidance they will give you. Listening really helps.

It’s pretty good. Norm the Gator

Warranty

/ Norman Eric Peterson / Leave a comment

We have all been there, done that and almost given up on it. I know I had a ten year warranty on that leaf-blower! Oh dear, I will look in my pile over on the desk, OK? Otherwise we can look on line. Could you get me the serial number? When did we get it and is there a model number on it?

Paperwork, endless claims sent to claims department where the phones are manned by well meaning people who don’t speak your language very well. An insurance claim has the same rigmarole with hidden clauses of abuse of product or subparagraph B. which states you have no claim if you are living in one of the following states: A state of exhaustion, bewilderment or confusion. Of course the warranty is a lifetime one, but whose lifetime is tit?

There is one warranty query that comes up often, throughout the world and the forms are quite direct and to the point. I wanted to check and make sure the warranty was OK so I inquired the maker. Name and model number. Norman Peterson, Human. Serial number, XY. Date warranty was issued, December 1970. Regular maintenance performed? Yes.

Amazingly, the warranty contract forms were issued about 1960 years ago and are still solid and in effect for anyone that ‘fills out the form’! You can find the warranty in books, on line or in small pamphlets often found in nightstands in hotel rooms. Your contract can start at any time. Payment for this all inclusive contract is to completely follow the maker’s instructions. Give up all thoughts and actions and give those things up to the manufacturer. He will gently give you directions on how to do so. This is not the fine print at the bottom, it has to be read over and over and there are supplemental readings that can help and assist you. There are also offices throughout the land where you can get encouragement and help.

The forms are more specific in the last chapters of the book which spell out the terms and conditions. They seem rather difficult the first time you read or hear about them. Complete and utter surrender of all assets, life holdings and your life itself! No other payment required.

You have probably guessed by now who honors the warranty. It’s pretty good actually, your make and model are warranted forever. Eternity. Actually your old model gets a complete overhaul and is made perfect when you die. It will be good, feels right and the warranty is now eternal. If you understand what eternity is. The best I have read is a parable about pinwheels!

Spin one with all the colors and it will look white. Spin one with past, present and future and they will all look the same too. It’s a package deal. You also get to read a book that no one on earth has ever read! Every chapter is better than the one before.

I haven’t a clue. I’ve tried to understand a place with no time and filled with incredible beauty. And us. Would you care to view the warranty and guarantee? Let me know, I’ll help as best that I can.

It’s pretty good, Norm Peterson / Jack Gator

What Time is It?

/ Norman Eric Peterson / Leave a comment

Time is a major element in our society. Everything is on the clock Per Se. It is a derivative of numbers which is everything we do and handle in our lives. Think about how much that is a focus point.

The Census which I worked, the number of the population. How much in the bank and my wallet. Fuel in the tank. Counting time to go, time left. Speed limit and what is the number over it I can get away with. Taxes owed and returned. Mortgage rates and actuarial tables of all things (such as how many numbers until we ‘pass away’) Numbers are our lives. Consider acreage, clothing sizes and how many miles are left on the car.

At this point I cannot number how many other things I number. How much time do I have left to write this anyway?

I wondered why it was so difficult and boring to read Numbers 26. I live my life by the number. Why is it that the top ‘stripe’ on my keyboard AND the box on the right both have numbers?

Just for entertainment, I will attempt to stop counting today. The created world has enough numbers without clocks that are set. Rotation, orbits and galaxy distances. Is that why we use tens and such to count everything? First things first kids. Ten fingers, ten toes. What does that add up to? Maturity goalpost! I win the casino of life and rolled the right..number.

Is that really our lives? We go hide and listen to the countdown? 10 to zero..liftoff! Houston, we have a go! I have gotten dizzy writing this because there are only so may words I can put in a column and what page will it be on in the next edition of the paper or what page in the upcoming book should I put it on? Is my coffee ready? The timer on the pot went off. Etc. etc. etc.

Lets try it for a few minutes (oops another number) and go way back. As far as we can imagine to a point where there are no numbers to control every moment of our lives. Before beats per minute, before breaths and before length at birth.

All the way back before numbers were so important. How long were Adam and Eve in the garden? When did the numbers began to rule?

“Hey Adam, the apples are ripe finally, want one? Just one bite”

It’s confusing to read this, how much time did it take you? Thanks for taking time to do so. Gotta get to the library, my reference book is due. It’s pretty good. Jack Gator.

Inconvenience Store

/ Norman Eric Peterson / Leave a comment

They seem to be popping up everywhere. In the garden even, inconvenient plants with pretty blue flowers that creep along the ground and invade your strawberry beds and choke out those tender flowers that are usually in the middle of the garden.

You know them, we all do and it’s very inconvenient to remove them and all their offshoots.The dandelions that are relatives and show up at the same time. Akin to the neighbors that come over a lot and want to borrow your chainsaw so they can break it for you.

You are supposed to love those people, really, it’s the actual words of our leader and the man who was God on this planet. A very difficult thing to do. To love these people. Well, he did tell us about the weeds and the good crops but People are not weeds, but often they feel like them unless I am one on the highway. Causing other hurrying ones to point their long leaves at me they grow faster on by me.

I began to wonder about a store that sold all inconvenient things. They too are everywhere and are popping up like dandelions in your neighborhood.

Outside of town and very prominent, lots of them now. They sell many things you really don’t need but it is inexpensive (another word with the prefix of ‘In’) Before you even enter, there is a machine that dispenses movies you won’t enjoy. Monsters destroying things like cities or the world. Heroic men that survive danger to kill the inconvenient people in their lives.

Inside the store (which has an odor of soap you would never buy or use) are things to buy that are not easily obtained without driving a great distance from your small town. Left handed chewing gum and cross threaded light bulbs. A plethora of baked goods that have labels not quite big enough to list poison ingredients and taste bad. Bread that squashes when you grab it.

Clothing that will not fit and as mentioned before a whole aisle of soaps that you would not even want to put in your car for the drive home. The list goes on, but it is convenient to get these things because those stores are close by, Everywhere. They all look the same and are lit like airport runways as another convenient light source for their neighboring homes.

The list is long. Alarm clocks that always slow down ten minutes so your job becomes inconvenient for human resource departments. The help all have respiratory problems, as to be expected. Most of them do know where everything is by aisle and within them. I try to imagine myself, just out of high school in a small town and working the cash register nights. I remember my first job when I was in high school and it was a breeze compared to this work.

Our world is filled with inconvenient things, troublesome things but as an old friend sang, “old and in the way, they will never care about you because your old and in the way” We are not dandelions and we are precious, every one of us. I know this now because my Savior tells me so. He made me and you and loves us all and our creator bought us at a very great price. Not Very convenient to everyone and valued no matter where we are on the shelf of life. It’s pretty good. Norm Peterson / Jack Gator.

The Thin Yellow Line

/ Norman Eric Peterson / Leave a comment

There are a few sayings that mention ‘ lines’ Drawing a line in the sand, You just crossed a line. A story line and what’s your line? A reference to a thin line has been used in describing one thing that stands between lawless behaviors and citizens. The thin blue line. Protectors in blue.

There is another odd line, lots of them actually, all over the country. We see and respond to them as we would to a movement hazard. Railroad crossings. Roundabouts, sometimes.

These lines of paint separate us every day from death and other unpleasant circumstances. Respect the paint! Don’t cross over it unless it has another line next to it that is dashes rather than solidity. Road paint, double yellow. Drivers ED 101. How do we do it, day after day just staying away from death by avoiding painted lines? On freeways there are barriers between Going faster but no barriers between passing and being passed.

It’s a stampede, follow the leader and it’s best to be the leader. Perhaps, this is a reason a person will pass you on the road and then a mile or so later, turn off. Sometimes making you slow down, even stop to stay on the right side of the yellow line. I used to think it was just selfishness but now, it seems to be instinctive to lead the pack. Clear road ahead. I am the powerful leader and it causes one to think, ‘what was that all about?’

At least the yellow line is honored and respected. Sometimes. Of course, crossing the double yellow is illegal and if a patrol car sees it, there is a loss of the 20 to 30 seconds gained and then some. Sometimes the loss of life and which is unpleasantness if you are involved in a crash.

Same thing in the grocery store with our carts, I have been ‘rear ended’ several times when the cart behind me could not pass because of oncoming carts. Running the invisible stop or yield sign at the end of the aisle can result in the inevitable “Ope” word. Even a ‘scuse me’ Slow velocities, no danger. I try to just nose out to check cross traffic and stay to the right!

We are in a hurry, always to get somewhere else. Yield signs can be ignored if you have a bigger engine and are in a hurry. Everyone does the ‘California stop’ just keep the vehicle rolling a little bit as though you can catch up in a relay race. The old pickup that was behind you floors it and if you are going a bit slower, the result can be a hand gesture that causes ‘road rage’ No one would be foolish enough to do that to a squad car however. That yellow line will draw that thin blue line in a heartbeat. I drove the chiefs squad on a windy country road and the the chief said “ slow down to 40. They will never pass”. No one did. There is a bit of respect still remaining. I’ll bet the shopping carts would yield with Open carry, It could result in the shootout at the OK chips aisle. Civilization deterioration. Frustration and anger linger just below our civil surfaces.

No one rode past the Roman Centurions either. They had open carry and respect was the rule of the times. You never know what a cloak conceals and a center console either. Take it easy, that’s what the thin yellow line stands for. Tailgating to acquire 40 seconds isn’t worth it. Be safe, Jack

Jury Rigged

/ Norman Eric Peterson / Leave a comment

Another word that means different things but is spelled the same is called a homonym. The rigged jury is familiar to most of us. Money or clever selections can rig a jury.

The other rigged is used also as Jerry Rigged which is an old nautical term. A quick fix with material on hand, usually cheaper and somewhat functional. Actuating controls for engines is common. Why replace a broken choke cable and dash knob with an expensive part when mechanics wire wrapped around a small bolt will do! A few classy variations like a rubber grommet in the dash or some spiral wire wrap helps the illusion of good repair. It works.

There is another, less used speaking of our lives that uses this term of patchwork or worse.

There is a traumatic event recent or past that lingers in our spirit. I have several of those and usually it is me that the event happened to. So, I just Jerry rig the memory with small platitudes that make it more tolerable. Making excuses for those things then push them back to a place not quite so dark. ‘Gramps was always crabby and that’s why he said that or did that’ Very forgiving and a good way to turn the darkness into someone else’s. Still, the sting remains.

Realizing that everything that has happened is why I am the way I am and that is the grace of God operating in my life.

“ As long as we stay resentful about things we wish had not happened, about relationships that we wished had turned out differently, mistakes we wish we had not made, part of our heart remains isolated, incapable of bearing fruit in the new life ahead of us. It is a way we hold part of us apart from God” A.

We jury rig our lives with fantasies, self condemnation and internal rage at our life. Embrace God’s vision and grace for our life and see what has been given to us. We grow when we see the way we have grown and indeed, become wounded healers for those we meet.

A. Henri Nouwen ‘Turn my mourning into dancing’

We are in Control and it’s all Your Fault

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It’s easier to put the blame on somebody than admit that we have not the slightest idea what is ‘going on’ and why so many things have been going wrong. The term used to be ‘have gone south’ but then I would be accused of some sort of prejudice to say so. I have moved north of highway 8 so that seems to be the right direction. (NW Wisconsin wisdom)

Whether it is the weather which now we think we can control or people’s thoughts we can control and demand they be changed, it is indeed the theater of the absurd.

“It’s the fault of all those people that are using their bread toasters too much!” Or, “It’s your fault for going to work in a selfish way” Take the bus!! Drive an electric vehicle!” I would perhaps if the bus was not being driven by someone else. I have a difficult time already getting enough batteries for my flashlights and garage door remotes. I have heard that rechargeable batteries are the answer if you have enough extra power to fill them up. Can you even imagine a small rural homestead with three or four people with electric cars and one charger? The experts tell us it can be done! There is enough wind and hot air coming from the District of Columbia to power windmills. The experts tell us it must be done.

Somewhere an electric chair is waiting at Amazon. There are many experts for anything you can imagine or anything they can imagine. They tell us what is what and who is who and the world is packed to overflowing with them. Of course in English, ‘Pert’ refers to someone that goes boldly forward in speech and behavior. I would then assume that an expert used to do so but now goes backwards? To go boldly backwards to where so many mistakes have been made and to go where everyone has gone before. An expert on the Enterprise of fools.

I, for one, have had quite enough of backwards thinking or worse, Sometimes shouted, often just quoted by an old expert. The old classic folk song, “If I had a hammer” Indeed, hammer in the morning making handles for wood signs explaining why all the shouting and demanding everyone change society and thought. It reminds of the Vogon guard in the Guide to the Galaxy that really liked the shouting part.

It’s satisfying to be self righteous but of course, it is impossible to make yourself righteous. Only one man showed us how to be righteous and it wasn’t riots and shouting. You know the man I speak of. It is said; with age comes wisdom but often just age shows up. Stop, look and listen to our Creator. He knows everything and He’s Perty good. Jack Gator.

With a wag of the gator tail to Douglass Adams

The Billboard of Our Lives

/ Norman Eric Peterson / Leave a comment

Driving home after dark settled in and the lighted billboards line the freeway. Bigger than our driveway markers but somehow, looking similar. Runway lights. Closer in to the ‘cities’, the billboard money flows free and the led panels change several times a minute.

We don’t really look at them, they just do that subliminal thing and linger …somewhere in our minds. I want to change them to tell the truth. The casino ones that promise gaiety and a pocket of Franklin’s should have a stealth vacuum hose sucking the money out of the smiling couples pockets as they watch the roulette wheel.

The lawyers, all with four letter last names, smiling as they exude joy at your auto accidents injuries. Perfect Teeth grins, smiling morticians of misfortune. Bjorn and I count the ones with the man with outstreached arms selling cash for homes ( seven so far from Forest Lake to Blaine) A bit of humor as we drive to the Blaine campus of Eagle Brook to get the media production set up and running.

And there I am, my face exuding the billboard of my past. Selfish, confident in my past victories meaning nothing to anyone but me. Looking in the mirror of my behavior and seeing the same old anger and unwilling spirit to listen or look upon a face that shows compassion and encouragement. Another billboard seen as others pass by as unpleasant and perhaps, known.

Agony as I realize a piece of my past that I hold onto is not who I am now. It gets in my way and tells me lies about everyone that loves me. I am not worthy, I am at fault again and reminded of my failures. Hearing condemnation from within and also hearing love breaking in again and telling me of what I am becoming. Be at peace, quiet my spirit and listen to Him.

I begin the agony once more of realizing these things and suddenly, the beauty I have been blessed with for 40 years unfolds and begins to burn away the false images that I have embraced for most of my life. Tears and a quiet voice tell me a destiny that becomes clear and clean.

Called to be a warrior for Jesus and embracing more and more his gentle and firm voice. The new path, the astonishing and breathtaking path that has been laid before me. Paving that road on the narrow highway of holiness. Not looking right or left or in my life, not looking behind at the pain and struggle for fame, fortune to replace the pain I have endured and embraced.

As a well known song says, I am no longer a slave to sin. It is true and it is not an instantaneous process for me. My past beginning now being seen as straying off that path I have been set upon for decades. Saved from death many times and lovingly, steadily helped to become what I have been created for. Strength, true and right seen as the lighted path to the love of Christ.

It’s pretty good! Jack Gator. scribe